Disappointed

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It is the last night of break. 😦

As usual, part of me is ready to start school again, and the other part of me is dreading it. The fact that I feel this way just makes me disappointed. Why do I dread school somethings, but still look forward to it? Why do I dread school at all?

The reminder of the tuff unwanted work I’ll be doing with little sleep. The intensifying stress with upcoming finals and not feeling prepared. Worse of all, watching others this way.

I didn’t really start thinking about this until about an hour ago when my friends were getting annoyed with editing their essays.

I said a few things that I didn’t realize I was thinking, but then thought about how I do think them constantly; so constantly that I feel surprisingly calm right now which is odd for me while talking about school this way.

I probably should have started studying but honestly at this point either I know this stuff really well or I’m going with short term memory as far as finals go… 

I may wish that was different but there is no point in lying to myself because I know that is what will happen, that’s just school.

See we may be called overachievers but it isn’t because we like the material or way stuff is taught necessarily, we just know how to and care enough to put in the effort to get good grades.

School is simply a corrupt system that we happen know how to work well enough.

Again though, I don’t “hate” school. Part of me is excited to go back because I like seeing friends and teachers and getting new ideas from them. I love and live for the occasional moments of creative energy that come from being surrounded by people thinking intensely about learning and life. The annoying thing is that so often my favorite moments at school happen during cases where what we are talking about is considered a tangent, or during something not valued as much because it isn’t a core class like lunch or enrichment, or during ID which I wish just took up all of the day.

School isn’t all bad, but it definitely disappoints me at times, and I feel like a broken record saying this but when it comes up I just don’t know what to say or do which just makes me discouraged.

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